


dear love of my life,

by chenlelovebot



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety Attacks, Cancer, First Kiss, Graphic Description, Hospitals, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Major Illness, Mentions of Eating Disorder, Panic Attacks, References to Depression, Some Fluff, Underage Drinking
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-23
Updated: 2019-04-14
Packaged: 2019-11-28 21:05:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,583
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18213602
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chenlelovebot/pseuds/chenlelovebot
Summary: It was just any other day, nothing special. The weather was normal. In fact it was just the start of spring and still Jaemin was crying, still maintaining his smile, while looking at the black haired boy infront of him."Please lets run away"





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Please note that this is 100% fictional and is no form connected to the persons used in this story. I tried to inform myself a lot about the sicknesses mentioned. If I make any spelling or grammatical mistakes I apologize since english isn’t my first language. Some medication or symptoms might differ because like I mentioned this fictional. Please inform me about any mistakes I made and I will correct them as soon as possible.

20.03.18  
“Hey Jaemin did you do your homework”

Jaemins eyelids felt heavy as he blinked a few times before turning his gaze away from the window in his friends direction.

“What kind of question is that”, Hyuck sent him a flying kiss before opening his school bag and taking out his book to copy the homework that took him an endless feeling amount of time yesterday. 

Jaemin didn’t hate doing homework but he wasn’t really fond of the concept of school overall. 

“What do you think about going bowling later with the boys, we haven’t met up since mark graduated” 

Jaemins head felt so heavy and his mouth suddenly went dry so he just nodded at Hyuck before turning his head away and looking out the window again. Something felt off today and he just couldn’t figure out what. 

After his last period he made his way out of the stuffy classroom he spent almost his entire day in, which was one of the many reason he disliked the entire school concept. 

“I haven’t seen Jeno around today”, Hyuck was casually leaning against a tree while waiting for their other friends to arrive. 

“He had to stay home today, he wouldn’t tell me why”, Jaemin felt a horrible pain in his head while looking at the last text message Jeno sent him. 

I am not coming today 

“Hyuck I am really sorry but my head is going crazy again, I am going to text you later. Have fun, okay?”, he could see the slight discomfort in his friends eyes but his head hurt too much already. 

“Okay, take care Jaem”  
Jaemin gave him a crooked smile before taking his bag and leaving Hyuck behind. 

He knew it wasn’t fair visiting Jeno, right after he told Hyuck that his head was killing him. The thing was just that he really believed it was because of Jeno.  
Jaemin has visited so often already, this house was basically his second home, but today he was almost scared. In his 17 years of knowing Jeno he never felt anxious meeting him but today something was just off.  
The sound of the doorbell filled his ears and he felt like vomiting, his chest felt really tight and he had trouble breathing and everything just seemed to move slower. 

“Nana?”, Jenos voice felt like a breath of fresh air through all the chaos of this day. His hair was standing all directions and still Jeno, atleast in Jaemins eyes, looked breathtaking.

Maybe that’s why he couldn’t breathe and felt his lungs burning in his chest, the pain was ripping him apart and he couldn’t feel anything but this horrible feeling. He dropped to the floor while trying to grip onto Jeno, searching for any kind of support. 

“MOM I NEED HELP”, everything felt like it was fading away. Jenos hands on his back trying to support him or his mom rushing outside to help them.  
“Please be alright”, Jaemin could feel drops of salty tears on his face before he tried to move his hand to Jenos face. The older quickly took his hand into his own, squeezing it tightly. 

Jaemin knew this wasn’t some kind of panic attack, he had them before but this was a new kind of pain. Piercing pain, everywhere in his entire body, trying to rip him apart.  
He went unconscious after he heard the ambulance coming close. 

The smell of disinfectant filled Jaemins nose as he woke up. He could feel something in his nose and as he tried to open his eyes he heard a door being opened. He felt a slight sting in his lungs as he tried to let oxygen into them. As he finally managed to open his eyes the light reflected from the pure white walls made him feel like he went blind.  
After it took him a few seconds to adjust his eyes to the strong lighting inside what he figured was a hospital room, he noticed the heavy weight on his legs which turned out to be Jenos head. The tear stains still clearly visible and exhaustion written over his entire face and still the sight of his best friend filled his heart with warmth and shifted the entire atmosphere from this cold and almost empty room. 

“Jeno, I brought you something to eat”, the voice of his mother almost making cry after this exhausting day and still he brought himself to try to keep her quiet, he couldn’t imagine how exhausted everyone must be because of him. 

“JAEMIN”, and still all his effort wasn’t enough because he was sure as his mother threw her onto him, she also had woken up Jeno from his little nap. 

He felt both of their bodies pressed against him and as much as he loved physical interaction, he could feel the air getting thin again and gently shoved them away.  
“Hey guys”, without him attempting to he sounded very akward and his voice sounded almost strained. 

“I will get a doctor, please stay awake”, his mom rushing out of the door, it was only Jeno and him and he really just wanted to hug him.  
Jeno seemed to feel the same as he wrapped his arms around Jaemins tiny waist, pressing him onto Jaemins little body, so afraid of loosing him.  
Jaemin nuzzling into the crock of Jenos neck, breathing as much of Jenos smell as the cannula in his nose allowed him.  
He searched for Jenos hand, he wanted to make the worry fade away from Jenos thoughts. 

“You are fine”  
“I am fine” 

“Mr. Na-“ , he heard a deep voice as he looked up still feeling Jenos tight grip onto his hand.

“Jaemin is fine” 

“Jaemin then, I am here to tell you that you are scheduled for a PET scan later this day. One of our nurses is going to take you there”

“I have one question, why?”, Jaemin was more than confused. Was it that serious? 

“Jaemin, you cant breathe on your own as you might have noticed already. We have to find out why” 

“Doctor, could it be really bad?”, pure worry was everything he heard in his mothers words. She was just as scared as him, if not even more.  
Jenos grip tightened as he felt Jaemin starting to shake slightly. 

“If you have anymore questions or problems, the red button is right there”, he pointed at a red dot right behind the bed Jaemin was resting on with Jeno. His mom was sitting across them on a chair, looking just as tired as Jeno.  
The doctor left his room, after giving his mother some papers she had to read and sign. 

“Jaemin, do you need anything?”, Jeno smiled at him after asking.  
“A water would be great”, he gave his friend a little smile before he felt Jeno standing up, grabbing him a cup of water. 

“Jeno, what time is it? Have you told the others”, Jaemin never thought he, out of all people, would ever end up in a hospital at the end of a normal day. What kind of movie was this?  
“Its around 7am on a Saturday. Hyuck called me and I just told him that you were going to call him later”, Jeno holding the cup infront of him with a straw while giving him a tooth rotting smile. 

“Thank you, for everything”, Jaemin wasn’t just thankful, he couldn’t even express his feelings in words. 

The rest of the day was just spent with a lot of dumb jokes and laughing, Jaemin was really thankful nobody asked about the incident because he wouldn’t be able to explain it.  
He felt guilty not calling his other friends but he brushed it off quickly, what would they do here anyway.  
The happiness was broken when a nurse came in reminding Jaemin that it was time for the PET scan. 

“Jaemin, I love you”, his mother gave him a cheek kiss before Jeno came up to him. 

He took one of Jaemins hands and just kissed it softly before bringing it up to his face and looking at Jaemin. 

“I am waiting here for you”, Jaemin could have sworn everytime he saw Jenos smile it got prettier. Then the feeing of Jenos hand was gone as he was brought out of his room and taken away to the scan.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am sorry for taking so long but I really want this to be perfect and I am still not a 100% percent happy with it but I think its quite okay.

The headphones slipped off almost right after the nurse put them on Jaemin. Of course he could say something but its been roughly ten minutes since they started and he really wanted this to be over already. 

It was extremely noisy inside and if Jaemin ever thought he was uncomfortable before this, he was completely wrong. He found himself closing his eyes, imagining Jeno and for a second he forgot the noise around him or the horrible smell. 

After the longest thirty minutes of his life finally ended, he really wanted to rush back into his room, better even, maybe he could finally go home. 

The nurses seemed to move even slower than before and it made Jaemin incredibly angry. He wasn’t very patient to begin with and he must admit it was one of his few bad features. 

As he found himself back into his really boring room, it seemed to smell even more like hospital which made him figure that maybe they cleaned while he was gone and he noted to ask Jeno or his mom about it later. 

Jeno was already waiting on his bed, his hands into the pockets of his hoodie and his black hair pointing messily in all directions. His big glasses making his face look smaller than it already looked in Jaemins eyes and somehow Jeno still looked completely ethereal. 

“Hey, I waited just like I promised”, Jenos little smile made Jaemins heart feel at ease and he felt like he took the biggest breath before laughing. 

“You are so cheesy, I cant believe you are my friend”, he was genuintly happy for the first time since entering this hospital. Even his mom had to smile at her son laughing like this and for a second everything seemed so normal and peaceful. 

None of the three wanted their little bubble to burst like this. All the doctors seemed to come in at once and everyone in the room felt the heavy atmosphere. Jenos smile faded and he slowly grabbed Jaemins hand. He intertwined their fingers and drew little circles on the back of his hand. His mom made her way to his bed, making sure to carefully place one hand on his thigh while looking at the doctors. 

“We looked at the pictures, Jaemin. It doesn’t look too good”

There it was, the moment the bubble bursted, just like that. Everything was tense and Jaemin knew something changed right that moment. 

He felt his moms tensing up and he could hear Jeno sobbing, he knew he should have reacted someway. He should cry, scream and curse but he didn’t feel like it. He felt like he knew, the weeks of headaches, all the days he felt pain in his entire body. He knew something was wrong. 

“I am sorry to inform you but it looks like cancer. We have to perform a bronchoscopy to see in what stage it is in but it looks like we found it quite early”

He felt his shoulder get wet and he knew it was Jeno. Jaemin pulled him closer, comforting him, calming him down because that’s what he was the saddest about, the pain his loved ones feel. He didn’t feel sad, he wasn’t angry, it was a feeling of numbness almost. 

“We will perform it tomorrow morning. I am really sorry Jaemin. If you need something or have any questions don’t hesitate to ask”, he felt his mother get up to talk to the doctors outside.

Once again it was just him and Jeno. Latter was still crying against the brown haired boy. Jaemin was still drawing circles at the back of Jenos back trying to make the older calm down. 

“I am here”, Jeno whispered the words over and over against his neck, his sobs slowly getting less and less.

“Are you scared, Nana” 

“No”

“I am always with you”, Jeno drew circles on Jaemins back until they both asleep. 

It was around midnight, when Jaemin woke up. Still laying onto Jeno, who was sleeping tight. Jaemin laughed breathy at the sight of Jeno, he was happy the black haired boy finally got some rest.  
His mother sleeping onto a chair next to his bed and he made a mental mark to ask the nurses about a bed tomorrow. 

He ignored his headache, he really wanted to get out of this room, he wanted to breath the air from the outside again.  
He slowly opened the door of his room, trying to not wake anyone up. He slowly walked out trying to not catch the attention of any of the nurses. 

He definetly deserved an award because he walked out of the hospital taking a deep breath. He never thought the air of Seoul would ever feel good but he felt like crying.  
He walked around the hospital area, balancing on boardwalks, jumping around and just breathing.  
When he saw a playground, he felt joy overcoming him and he ran up to it. He realized how hard it was to breath when he had to sit down because he felt like his lung were pressed together. 

It hit him all at once, the diagnosis suddenly didn’t seem so light anymore as he realized that he could die. 

His hands didn’t look like his anymore, his body didn’t feel like his anymore, this wasn’t him. This wasn’t him. He was Jaemin, the loud, annoying kid who definetly had a thing for his bestfriend Lee Jeno. He wasn’t Jaemin, the cancer patient who had to spent his time in a hospital. He wanted to play dumb pranks on Mark with Hyuck again. He wanted to have sleepovers with his friends. He wanted to see the beach. 

He wanted to kiss Jeno. 

His chest felt so heavy and his head felt like it was spinning. He didn’t want this, he wanted to do all sorts of crazy things.  
He wasn’t ready to die. 

“I don’t want to die”, Jaemin screamed while falling to his knees, he was sobbing horribly choking on his own tears. 

“Damn, you must have got it hard”, he heard an unfamiliar voice behind him. 

“I am Renjun and you should stand up, its raining”, he saw a hand in front of his face. 

“You look horrible, lets get you inside”, he felt a strong grip on his hand and honestly he didn’t even care where the human in front him was dragging him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please leave me a comment!


	3. Chapter 3

After looking at Renjun a bit more carefully, almost examing him, after he calmed down from his almost a bit dramatic breakdown, the human dragging him through the entire hospital looked a lot weaker and shorter than he imagined in comparison to his strong grip around his wrist. 

“I don’t mean to be outrageous but you still haven’t told me your name and I definitely just saved you from death out there”, the little figure in front of him surely wasn’t a quiet one. 

“I am Jaemin and thanks, I guess”, somehow, he almost felt humiliated being “saved”, he definitely didn’t need to be saved, still he was thankful. 

“Don’t use guess, it makes you seem dumb. Also, where is your room?”, for a second the heavy weight of being a patient was lifted of his shoulders and still he knew he couldn’t run away or hide forever. 

“How do you even know- “, he quickly was cut of by the shorter boy turning around and stopping in front of his face. 

“First of all, no normal person that isn’t a patient here goes to that playground, believe me I have been here for a while- “

“Ok I get it, also you have been here for a while?”, Jaemin felt really uncomfortable after asking, its not like him and Renjun were friends. 

“My kidneys are failing, haven’t you seen you my unusual yellow touch”, both of the boys had to laugh a little after Renjun finished his sentence. 

“You don’t have to tell me what you got, but I am still interested in getting some sleep so if you would tell me your room number”, Renjun was smiling while slowing down the pace so Jaemin could catch up. 

“They think its lung cancer, I got diagnosed today”, Jaemin tried his best to smile but it still was hard, it was so new saying it like that. 

“My room is right- “, Renjun stopped turning to Jaemin again grabbing his hand. 

“Forget that, we are going to get ice cream”, before Jaemin could say anything he was feeling a strong grip on his wrist again, without knowing where they were heading to now. 

“You should have told me that you are lactose intolerant!”, Renjun started to pout while sitting down in the empty cafeteria. 

“You wouldn’t even let me speak!”, he felt his chest getting tight again, as he sat down next Renjun, he noticed his breaths getting a bit shorter. 

“Whatever so you are getting that bronchoscopy tomorrow, you don’t have to be scared I got it once too. Your throat will feel sore after but it’s going to be fine”, Renjun was placing another spoon of ice-cream into his mouth after smiling at Jaemin for a second and it honestly made him calm down a bit. 

“Since when have you been here, you don’t have to answer if you aren’t comfortable”

“Since about a year, I mean I don’t live here but I kind of got used to be around here”, Renjun sounded so happy and that’s what fascinated so much. 

“Don’t worry Jaemin, you will get used to it, a lot of nice and caring people work here and also not to forget I am here almost every day”, Renjun looked at him with a bright smile and it made Jaemins chest feel warm. 

After finishing, well better said, after Renjun finished his ice cream, the shorter brought Jaemin back to his room. 

“This is my number, call me when you need something from the outside world. I am coming over tomorrow after your thing”, Jaemin felt overwhelmed, maybe it was all the stress but he felt the sudden urge to hug Renjun. He almost threw himself into his arms and for a second, he thought they would fall on the ground. 

“Thank you, Friends?”

“I thought you would never ask”, the two boys chuckled lightly before letting go of each other and Renjun dramatically leaving Jaemin behind.   
Jaemin tried to open the door as silent as possible but as soon as he closed it again, he saw it didn’t really make any difference. 

“Good morning”, Jeno was sitting on his bed and he definitely looked kind of mad. 

“I can explain”, Jaemin felt like it was one of those moments in movies when the cheating boyfriend gets busted. 

He wished Jeno was his boyfriend.

“You better start”, Jaemin had to think for a second, how to make it seem less weird what happened the past hours. 

“Well, I really wanted to go outside, because I couldn’t sleep. It was really pretty; the stars are so pretty Jeno. I saw this playground and I got sad because I couldn’t run and I was so mad and I just started crying. But this boy saw me and made me go inside and helped me. He also took me to eat ice cream without knowing that I was lactose intolerant, it was really funny”

“Are you okay?”, Jeno didn’t seem mad anymore, his jaw softened and he looked rather worried. 

“Yes, it was so much fun. Next time we should do it together!”, Jaemin didn’t know why he was so happy, maybe it was the Renjun effect but he felt really nice. 

“You seem so happy, I am glad”, Jenos lips formed a little smile and he ruffled through Jaemins hair which made the latter pout. 

Jaemin didn’t know why he suddenly had so much courage and confidence but he kissed Jenos cheek, only lightly and really short but it made him feel so warm and tingly. He never wanted the feeling to stop. 

“Goodnight, Jeno”, he quickly laid down and closed his eyes. 

Jeno felt frozen, his body feeling hot, he could feel his face getting red. He didn’t even realize that Jaemin kissed his cheek until it was over and honestly if Jaemin wouldn’t be in the same room right now he would have jumped in the air. 

Jeno definitely was in love with his best friend, Na Jaemin. 

He leaned down next to Jaemin, giving the younger a quick peck on the cheek before laying down himself. Leaving the younger with a beating heart and a red face.   
Falling for Jeno was so easy and it took away all of his breath.

He swore himself to ask the black-haired boy out tomorrow, life was too short to wait and he definitely wanted more than just a kiss on the cheek in the dark. He wanted to blatantly make out with Jeno in front of everyone, hold his hands and play with his hair while he was sleeping. He wanted Jeno to be his boyfriend, nothing more than that and he has never been so sure of anything else before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you liked this chapter please leave me a comment!

**Author's Note:**

> I hesitated to post this but I finally did. I lost a lot of people trough this horrible illness. Writing this helped me a lot.


End file.
